Hey Dreamland, I Know We're Friends and All, but You're Being an Ass Again

       My Mom said she thought I would be two months early.

       "Me too!" I chimed in, "and guess what? I didn't gain any weight after I hit four months!" 

       "That's great!

       "Yep. Well, I guess I'll go have this baby now."

       "Alright, see you later."

       And then, since I planned on having a water birth, I was in the middle of the ocean. I labored without any pain as the ocean kept getting smaller. My friends, the mermaid-sprite-things, were watching me as I progressed until I wiped my sweaty brow and pulled a smaller than average but perfectly healthy baby boy out of my vagina and onto my shoulder as I was treading water. I knew it was a baby boy because I looked at the penis and  made a point to tell my mermaid-sprite-friend-things there was a penis. I then gave birth to a baby blanket and wrapped the baby in it, then swam to the nearest island to set him down on. Then the mermaid-sprite-things turned on the ocean pump and I was swept back into a constant roll, rolling over and over and over and I couldn't swim out of it so I was like, "come on guys! Cut this shit out!" So they stopped, and I swam back to the island to check on my baby and he wasn't there so I was like, "come on guys! Give me my baby back!" By this time, the ocean was the size of a large swimming pool and i was leaning over the edge between the shallow end to the deep end, and they swam up out of the deep end and gave me back my baby, which was now cold, stiff, and more or less a doll. The mermaid-sprite-things smiled at me mischievously and I thought they were very rude for taking away the life from my baby. 

       Then suddenly Mars and I were driving home, and the baby had life again, and we just kind of perched him on top of my console as Mars tried to keep the same speed and not take any sharp turns or stop fast. Up ahead was a sign that said "The Pit: left exit." He took the exit and I tried to tell him that it wouldn't do, there was a reason this road was called "The Pit." Sure enough, the exit pretty much dead ended under an overpass where a bunch of mechanics were hanging out in sweatpants with fans. Up ahead was a valley of gravel followed by a mountain of gravel so Mars and I got out of the truck, I turned the truck and the baby into a fossil, put the fossil in my pocket, and we began to trek across the hot gravel toward the hill we intended to climb while calmly smoking cigarettes and talking about how my old jeans already fit again.