Alien Technology...I "Married" a goofball.

       Mars and I aren't technically married. We are technically in what they call a "domestic partnership." Technically we've been together for four years, lived together for two, created a life, and are as deeply annoyed and critical of one another as we are deeply in love and accepting of each other. We also share the same values and have had conversations while defecating.  Basically we're married. We might have our people dance and drink and get fancy about it later. 

        This person I "married" is a complete goober, a walking farce, when he's in a jovial mood (or meets a new person)...suddenly even the ground he walks on is a parody.

Here's proof. These are some of his faces.

       So, I kinda sorta took him to the OBGYN with me for my first prenatal appointment and 13 week sonogram. I won't say this was a mistake, because...well he's the father of my child and I cherish him so by proxy, I have to put up with his antics (I guess). It began in the waiting room....when we realized we'd come to a highly Christian doctor. There weren't any crosses so I was alright with that (I have a phobia of crosses). However, all the magazines on the table were really goofy old people church magazines. The pictures within were cheesy, the captions were cheesy, and he couldn't stay away from them. I brought my high fantasy novel, A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin, so I was doing my best not to pay attention to Mars trying desperately to get my attention. It wasn't easy. First he started reading the most fantastically embarrassing bits of my novel out loud for the whole waiting room to hear: " 'Half the gold in Catherly Rock, I thall have. But firth I muth thend him a message.' He said in his slithery goatish tongue." That's right, Mars started reciting out loud the dialogue of the character with the "slithery goatish tongue." After so many death and pain threats, he still wouldn't stop, and the other people in the waiting room were starting to give looks,  so I put my book down and watched him point out all the goofy pictures of cheesy old people doing and saying cheesy things in the Christian old people magazine and tried to giggle quietly.

       The nurse then called us into the sonogram room. I reclined on the paper covered bed and got gel-gouped and prodded with the sound wave wand while Mars sat back on the chair and we both stared at the screen. The nurse quickly found the little humanoid figure and we watched as it placidly chilled out in my womb. The arms and legs were clearly distinguished, arms crossed behind the head while the legs crossed at the ankle. It was in the exact same position as Mars on the chair. The image was quite breathtaking. It was really there, real life, a baby inside of me. The nurse said "hmmm, let's see if we can get baby to move." BANG JIGGLE BANG BANG, she went with the wand on my abdomen. Surely enough baby uncrossed its arms and legs, seemed to look around, then went right back into the same position as before. Then it gave a BIG YAWN. Our kid has a huge mouth apparently. Go figure. 

       As Mars was relatively quiet during this whole process, I thought he was having some kind of emotional experience so I later asked him what he was feeling while he was looking at the sonogram. His reply? "I was thinking, this is definitely alien technology...definitely." Goofball.  

       Then we went back in so I could have my blood drawn. His high spirits were back and I was feelin' pretty sunny joker myself so we managed to give the nurse some good laughs. He played with the fake vagina and display IUD inappropriately, then I gave him some quirky insults as he made scary faces at me while my blood was being drawn. He grabbed some latex gloves and put them on with a dramatic snap, I told him we weren't going to play doctor in front of the nurse. He made a big, unnecessary deal out of choosing my prenatal vitamin and I asked the nurse for a vial of blood to take home so I could "paint with it" to try and embarrass him. She did not oblige but he did indeed do a facepalm, so I thought it a great success. 

      So anyway, baby is healthy and all is well, I'll find out if my blood is infected with anything later. Next time I'll post a picture of my expanding abdomen. 

       Now I shall leave you with the best photo I've found on the internet lately.